| an insignificant measure of achievement. |
[Apr. 16th, 2002|02:53 pm] |
She says she just doesn't want her roommate to know, and that's it. Since her roommate doesn't read my livejournal, I can drop the stupid highschoolish pseudonym and just call her Nicole. Whew.
She did indeed come over, and there was indeed hand sex. I wonder if she'd call it "fucking" if I was a girl. Some days, I'm so talented it stings a bit. I should rent myself out...
I kicked her out so I could get some sleep. Was it rude of me? If I was her boyfriend, it would be. She was over here for the sex, so I felt perfectly okay booting her. This is pretty ideal for me... except for the part about running out of silicone.
I got up in time for my classes. I actually attended all four and a half hours. I feel that I have actually become dumber through the act of attending my algorithms class.
My brother just called. I haven't seen him in... at least a month. It's like he vanished. Evil though he may be, it's good to hear from him again. Partially because I kinda miss his grimy self, partially because I want to trade the assorted goodies in my CD wallet, but I miss him.I didn't know if he was living in a ditch somewhere or what, but apparently he's been working and doing rather well for himself.
I'm sure I'll stop missing him after he's been here for five minutes, but that won't stop me. |
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| bitch bitch, moan moan, lather, rinse, repeat. |
[Apr. 16th, 2002|10:41 pm] |
I'm pissed about some things. I'm quite happy about some other things, but these latter ones are somehow more distant, and thus less present in my mind.
I didn't get anything done this afternoon, really. I finally saw Alan again. Alan lives on campus; Alan is a friend of Brett's; Alan and I have IM'd countless times this semester; Alan and I had a class together... but this was the first time this school year that I'd actually seen him. Wacky. He was at the lab with Brett and Kevin. We're making posters. Beautiful, beautiful posters.
So, another afternoon blown at the lab. I have to finish that operating systems writeup this evening, so I can start on the next project. I talked to someone in the class; they haven't been going either. I have this terrible nervous up-in-the-air feeling about that class, like it can't end well. I keep remembering the dream I had about being horribly unprepared and utterly incapable of making up the lost time...
Jujutsu was a travesty. I was tired and it was hot. Sensei kept singling me out to explain what was wrong with my technique, in the time-honored "itemized list" fashion. The problem is that this only works if he adds in some positive reinforcement as well. Combined with some exceptionally rib-crushing falls, I was absolutely ready to walk off the damned mat if he impugned my technique via some comment about my cocksmanship. (He's done it before.) Blah. I loathe jujutsu right now.
Interesting discussion with Chris afterwards, which I'm going to butcher here...
Me: You wouldn't call that fucking?
Chris: Did your dick go in her vagina?
Me: Nope.
Chris: In her mouth?
Me: Nope.
Chris: Well, that's not fucking. Fucking involves a dick.
Me: What if I was a girl? Wouldn't [hand gesture] be considered fucking?
Chris: Yeah, but you'd lack the equipment. A guy in a wheelchair can shoot a basket and I'll call it a jump shot.
Kinda reminded me of a certain Jason Lee character.
It was a moment. A very hetero, vanilla moment. I suppose I bask in this sort of thing because it makes me feel daringly kinky and rebellious. How juvenile of me.
Chris: Is she attractive?
Me: [instantly] No.
[long pause]
Me: Now savor that moment of honesty. Do you feel it? That's the kind of off-the-cuff truth you'll find only very rarely. I want you to hang on to that, and remember it.
I was going to go out for coffee or somesuch with Chris and Katie, but it turned out that our meal plans had ceased to be good for munchies about ten minutes prior to our arrival. Blah.
And Nicole has gotten back together with her boyfriend. Good for her; hopefully he won't be neglectful of her this time around. (Futile hope, yes, but I'm going to have it.)
I'm glad for what I have, for what I got out of all of it. It's so beautiful, so rewarding, that we were in it for the same thing. I don't want to fall deeply into heart-rending yet soul-saving love... Lee and I can do that very well by ourselves, and I don't feel a need to get that from anyone else.
I think this is the sound of polyamory actually working for me. I'm going to have to make a note of this.
Nicole has made vague intonations about "and if the oppurtunity ever comes up, I'd like to do that again". I expressly and clearly told her that there was to be no pining over me. I do not have any ambitions of replacing her boy, and I do not want to, in any way-shape-form, come between them. Ain't my place.
So, I'm feeling triumphant, except for this great big dark cloud that's settled over my soul. Blah. Going to go to Nicole's for snackies in the meantime, then trudge back here and finish my fucking writeup, because this is just shameful. |
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